Miracle of Miracles: Short Oscar's

The Associated Press

Academy Awards host Steve Martin glanced at his watch during the opening monologue with a remark that must have sent shudders of fear through long-suffering Oscar watchers.

"How are we doing on time?" Martin asked. "Oh, we've got five hours."

It was the first of several mocking remarks he made about what's traditionally the most bloated entertainment awards show. Amazingly, it was the one thing he had wrong.

Producer Gil Cates performed a small miracle Sunday night, shaving a remarkable 43 minutes off last year's record-long Oscar telecast of four hours, eight minutes.

If the show was short on truly memorable moments, at least it was short ‹ in Oscar terms, of course. And it featured, in Martin, a first-time host as impressive as the modern-day prototype, Billy Crystal.

After some initial jitters, Martin proved adept and classy. His humor had bite, but wasn't rude and crude. He paid tribute to seven-time host Crystal, but thankfully didn't try to imitate him.

His best moment came while noting that actress Ellen Burstyn had played a role requiring her to age 20 years and gain 30 pounds, "and still Russell Crowe hit on her," he said.

When the camera cut to an unsmiling Crowe sitting in the audience, it only made the moment that much funnier.

Tom Hanks knew better. When Martin joked that Hanks, a Best Actor nominee with Crowe, was behind the kidnap threats against the Australian, Hanks looked toward the floor in mock shame.

Martin didn't miss the moment when singer Bjork performed while wearing an odd, poultry-inspired gown.

"I was going to wear my swan," Martin quipped. "But to me, they're so last year."

He even achieved the near impossible, making a funny reference to "Survivor." "At the end of tonight," he said, "we're going to vote somebody out of show business."

Crowe had the makings of a classic Oscar villain. But he made up for it with probably the night's best acceptance speech. He showed genuine surprise and humility, and even remembered to thank mom and dad.

Julia Roberts' vulnerability and sheer happiness at being named best actress salvaged a moment where she almost wore out her welcome.

Producer Cates said before the show that he would give a new wide-screen television to the winner who gave the shortest acceptance speech. Roberts said she was happy with her TV and plowed on to nearly three minutes, but it seemed to make others more cognizant of time.

It didn't get off to a promising start. A clever idea ‹ the opening segment that approximated a drift through space and past Oscar moments leading to a live hook-up with the crew from the space station Alpha ‹ just went on too long.

The turgid march through relatively minor awards meant the most concentrated star power in the first two hours came during a commercial break that featured Britney Spears and Jerry Seinfeld.

Bob Dylan's performance of "Things Have Changed" and subsequent Oscar enlivened things. Maybe it's because it was a movie show, but doesn't it seem like Dylan looked an awful lot like Vincent Price?

The Oscar for most tasteless presenter went to Mike Myers for mocking the unknown nominees in the best sound category. Either give the award off camera or show some respect for the people's work; don't make people question why it's being shown at all.

As for all the Oscar pre-shows, spreading like a particularly virulent fungus, beware: Too much exposure will rot the brain.

Our favorite superfluous Joan Rivers moment: admiring actor Benicio Del Toro's Armani suit and asking, "Did they send it to you or did you go down and pick it up?"

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